Attachment Styles in Children: How to Recognise Them in Your Child
There are four child attachment styles: secure, anxious (or ambivalent), avoidant and disorganised. They describe how a child seeks comfort from their key caregivers when they feel fear or distress. Emotional attachment is the bond a baby builds with the people who look after them during their first years, and it works as a secure base from which they explore the world. It is not a fixed label, because it depends mainly on the adult’s response and it can be repaired.
Quick summary
- Secure attachment appears when the adult responds predictably: the child protests when separated and calms soon after reuniting.
- Anxious, avoidant and disorganised attachment are adaptation strategies, not defects in the child.
- John Bowlby formulated the theory and Mary Ainsworth classified it with her Strange Situation experiment.
- No parent always responds well. What matters is repairing afterwards when things go wrong.
The four child attachment styles described by developmental psychology
Developmental psychology distinguishes four types of emotional attachment. Mary Ainsworth described three in the 1970s, and Mary Main and Judith Solomon added the disorganised style in the 1980s. Ainsworth observed babies of about 12 months in an unfamiliar room: the mother left, a stranger came in, and then the mother returned. What was revealing was not the crying when the mother left, but what the baby did at the reunion. From there, these attachment styles were defined.
Secure attachment
A child with secure attachment uses the adult as a base: they explore, return, protest when separated and comfort themselves quickly when their caregiver comes back. For example, a 15-month-old cries when their dad leaves the room, but two minutes after he returns they are stacking blocks again. This pattern emerges when the adult responds with reasonable consistency, not perfection.
Anxious or ambivalent attachment
Anxious attachment appears when the child cannot predict what response they will get: sometimes comfort, sometimes hurry or distraction. That is why they cling, explore very little, and at reunions they seek arms and at the same time push them away angrily.
This is not a “spoilt” child. They have learned to turn up the volume to make sure they get attended to.
Avoidant attachment
Avoidant attachment is the pattern Ainsworth described in babies who did not seem distressed in the Strange Situation and who, when their mother came back, ignored or avoided her. According to the Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development, inside they are not as calm as they look. This style tends to develop when a child has learned, time and again, that showing distress brings rejection or indifference rather than comfort, as a review from Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children explains.
From the outside they can look “very independent”, but they have learned to turn the volume down: they rarely come to you when they are upset and tend to hide their distress from you. What helps is responding to their signals sensitively and consistently, even when those signals are subtle. If that distance lasts for months, or if it worries you, talk to your paediatrician or a child psychologist.
Disorganised attachment
Disorganised attachment is the least common and the most complex, because the child has no clear strategy. At reunions they may freeze or show contradictory behaviours. It appears when the figure who should provide security also generates fear. If you notice signs like this on an ongoing basis, consult your paediatrician or a child psychologist.
How the emotional bond forms before age 3
The emotional bond is consolidated mainly between 6 months and 2 years, when the baby already distinguishes their key figures and starts to move around on their own. Bowlby summed it up simply: a child explores further the more certain they are that they can return. Likewise, Maria Montessori described the first plane of development (0 to 6 years) as the stage in which the mind absorbs the environment without filter, and that includes the emotional climate at home.
What builds attachment is not grand gestures but thousands of micro-responses. For example, saying “now I’m going to change your nappy” before lifting the baby gives them predictability, and predictability is the raw material of security. The Association Montessori Internationale emphasises this respectful care in the training of its 0 to 3 guides. In addition, UNESCO places attention on early childhood as the foundation of all later learning.
How to recognise child attachment styles in everyday life
To recognise child attachment styles at home, pay more attention to reunions than to goodbyes. Crying when separated is normal between 8 and 18 months. The useful information, however, lies in how long your child takes to calm down when you return and whether they accept your comfort.
Two children at the nursery gate
Consider Lucía, 2 and a half, in her second week at nursery. She cries when saying goodbye in the morning, but at lunchtime she runs to her mother, hugs her for a few seconds and immediately wants to show her a drawing. That pattern (protest, relief, return to exploring) fits secure attachment.
Mateo, the same age, barely looks at his dad when he leaves and carries on playing. His dad interprets it as “how independent he is”. However, if that indifference lasts for months and at home Mateo also doesn’t ask for help when he falls, it is worth observing more calmly and discussing it with the paediatrician.
The typical mistake: hiding the crying
The most common mistake is trying to stop the child from crying: slipping away without saying goodbye, distracting them with a phone or repeating “it’s nothing”. This backfires because it teaches them that their distress cannot be shared. The alternative costs more effort, but it works:
- Always say goodbye, with the same short phrase every day.
- Name the emotion: “you’re sad because I’m leaving, and I’ll be back after lunch”.
- Hold their crying without stretching the goodbye beyond a minute.
- Keep your promise, at the time you promised.
Attachment styles and adapting to a new school
Attachment styles become especially noticeable when the environment changes, and moving country is one of the biggest changes for a child. Many families who arrive in Sotogrande or the Campo de Gibraltar face the move, a new language and an unfamiliar school all at once. A child with secure attachment usually adapts sooner, although they will also have bad days. A child with anxious attachment, on the other hand, will need more time and very predictable routines.
Here the school either adds or subtracts. In a Montessori environment, the child shares the same guide over a three-year cycle, which gives continuity to their key figure outside the home. At IMS, emotional intelligence is part of all programmes, and the workshops Acompañando-té and La familia en tribu give mothers and fathers a space for these doubts. Even the American Academy of Pediatrics advocates stable relationships and shared play as the basis of emotional development.
Frequently asked questions
What is the most common attachment style in children?
Secure attachment is the most common in children. In Mary Ainsworth’s studies and subsequent research, most babies explore with confidence and calm down quickly when reunited with their key figure. The other three styles (anxious, avoidant and disorganised) account for the remaining cases, and disorganised is the least common.
Can child attachment styles change?
Yes, emotional attachment styles can change over time, because they depend mainly on the quality of relationships rather than an innate trait. A more sensitive and consistent adult response over months usually moves the bond towards security. The sooner that response is adjusted, the easier it is, but it is never too late to repair.
Do adults also have an attachment style?
Yes, adults also have an attachment style, visible in how they experience partnership, friendship and parenting. Researchers Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver showed in 1987 that childhood security, anxiety and avoidance reappear in adult relationships. Knowing your own style helps you understand why certain cries from your child overwhelm you more than others.
Does going to nursery affect attachment to parents?
No, going to nursery does not break attachment to parents when the child has a stable figure in the classroom, a gradual settling-in period and parents who keep responding sensitively at home. The main emotional bond is built within the family. What is best to avoid are constant changes of caregiver and abrupt separations without preparation.
