There comes a day when your child, who was so calm just weeks ago, throws themselves on the supermarket floor screaming because they won’t let go of the cereal box. You look in the mirror and think: “what happened to my baby?”. The terrible twos arrive without warning and leave you exhausted, feeling like you’re doing something wrong. But you’re not. What’s happening is fascinating, even though it’s hard to see in the moment.

• Tantrums are a sign of neurological development, not bad behavior.
• The emotional brain matures before the rational one, which is why your child “explodes” without being able to explain why.
• Your reaction during a meltdown shapes how they will learn to manage emotions for the rest of their life.
• The terrible twos typically intensify between 18 months and 3 years, and decrease progressively.

What’s happening inside your child’s brain

To understand the terrible twos, you need to know a basic architecture: the human brain matures from the bottom up. The amygdala, responsible for intense emotions like fear and frustration, is fully active from birth. In contrast, the prefrontal cortex, which regulates impulses, plans, and modulates reactions, doesn’t fully mature until age 25. At two years old, that connection is minimal.

This means your child feels with brutal intensity but lacks internal tools to calm down. They don’t choose to have a tantrum: the tantrum happens to them. The neuroscientists at the Harvard Center on the Developing Child describe it as a brain under construction where emotions are in charge and reason has no voice yet.

How it manifests in daily life

Every child expresses frustration differently. Some scream and kick. Others cry inconsolably for minutes. Some bang their heads on the floor (something more common than you think and, in most cases, harmless). There are also those who stay silent, holding in the emotion until it explodes suddenly. All these reactions are normal variants of the same process: a brain learning to handle emotions it can’t yet name.

Why the age of two is a turning point

It’s no coincidence that tantrums peak between 18 and 36 months. In this window, several simultaneous changes occur that trigger frustration:

• Language explosion: your child wants to communicate much more than their vocabulary allows. The gap between what they want to say and what they manage to express creates enormous tension.
• Development of autonomy: the child discovers they can make their own decisions (“me do,” “I want”) and clashes with the limits of the real world.
• Accelerated neurological changes: between 18 and 24 months, massive synaptogenesis occurs, new connections between neurons that temporarily alter emotional regulation.

María Montessori called this stage the sensitive period for language and independence . She observed that the child desperately needs to do things by themselves, and that when the adult intervenes too much or too soon, frustration is inevitable. It’s not a flaw in the child. It’s the engine of their development.

If you want to learn more about how we prepare children to manage these emotions in the school environment, book a personalized school visit and discover how we work every day in our Nido and Children’s House classrooms.

What does NOT work during a tantrum

When your child is in the midst of an emotional explosion, there are three reactions that seem logical but worsen the situation:

1. Yelling or threatening: it increases the volume of the child’s amygdala instead of calming it. Your brain activates for the emergency and theirs responds with more alarm.
2. Giving in to the whim to make it stop: it teaches that the tantrum is an effective tool. Short-term it works; long-term tantrums increase in frequency and intensity.
3. Reasoning during the explosion: “Look, honey, you can’t do that because…”. The prefrontal cortex is disconnected. Long words don’t get through. It’s like explaining quantum physics to someone who is drowning.

None of these three responses make you a bad mother or father. They are human reactions to a stressful situation. But you can choose something different next time.

Strategies that do help navigate tantrums

The Montessori approach proposes accompanying without rescuing. It’s not about eliminating the tantrum (it’s impossible and counterproductive) but about giving your child the message that their emotion is valid and that you are there, firm and calm, until it passes.

Before the tantrum: prevention

Many of the terrible twos have predictable triggers: hunger, tiredness, abrupt changes in activity, or a feeling of lacking control. You can reduce their frequency with small actions:

• Offer two real choices instead of open questions: “Do you want the red cup or the blue one?” gives a sense of control.
• Anticipate changes: “After the park, we’re going home. I’ll tell you when there’s one minute left.”
• Respect signs of tiredness. A child who hasn’t slept enough has their amygdala in alert mode.
• Maintain predictable routines. Emotional security flourishes when the child knows what comes next.

During the tantrum: being present

When the explosion is already here, your job isn’t to stop it but to be the anchor:

• Get down to their physical level: crouch, sit on the floor. Your calm body speaks to them more than your words.
• Name what they feel: “You are very angry because you wanted to stay longer.” The simple act of naming the emotion activates regulation circuits in their brain.
• Don’t force contact: some children need to be hugged; others reject physical contact at that moment. Respect that.
• Wait. There are no shortcuts. A tantrum lasts between 2 and 15 minutes. Your silent, calm presence is the greatest gift you can give.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends exactly this approach: emotional validation followed by waiting, without punishment or reward. Studies confirm that children whose parents practice co-regulation develop better self-regulation skills starting at age 4-5.

After the tantrum: connecting

When your child calms down (and they will), the moment to teach arrives. Not with lectures, but with connection:

• A hug, if they accept it.
• A brief phrase: “It’s over. You were very angry. I’m here.”
• If they have enough language, help them reconstruct: “You felt sad when I turned off the TV. Next time you can tell me: ‘more time’.”

This complete cycle (trigger, explosion, regulation, reconnection) is what builds emotional intelligence. Don’t shorten it or skip it.

The most common mistake: confusing limits with punishments

Setting a limit doesn’t mean punishing. A limit is: “I can’t let you throw the plates on the floor. I’m going to move the plate.” A punishment is: “You get no dessert for misbehaving.” The difference is enormous. The limit protects and teaches. The punishment generates shame and disconnection.

In the Children’s House classrooms at IMS, Montessori guides maintain clear and constant limits, but they do so with respect: they get down, speak in a low tone, offer alternatives, and never humiliate the child in front of their peers. You can replicate this model at home.

When to worry and when not to

The terrible twos are normal and expected. However, there are signs that warrant a consultation with the pediatrician or a developmental specialist:

• Tantrums routinely last more than 25 minutes.
• The child frequently self-harms (hard hits against surfaces, bites to themselves that leave marks).
• No form of comfort works, ever.
• Tantrums increase in frequency and intensity after age 4.
• There are significant delays in language or social interaction.

If you recognize any of these signs, it doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with your child. It means they may need additional support. In the Rainbow Classroom for Special Educational Needs at IMS, we have specialized professionals. You can consult without obligation by calling +34 653 04 17 39.

How we work with emotions at IMS Sotogrande

In our Nido (0-3 years) and Children’s House (3-6 years), tantrums are neither punished nor ignored. They are accompanied. Every AMI-certified Montessori guide is trained in emotional co-regulation: they observe, validate, offer alternatives, and respect the child’s rhythm.

The Montessori prepared environment drastically reduces frustration triggers. Materials are within the child’s reach, shelves are open, activities are presented in logical sequence, and furniture allows real autonomy. When a 2-year-old can serve themselves water, choose their work, and put on their shoes without adult help, their need for control is satisfied constructively.

Additionally, at IMS we integrate practices of yoga, mindfulness, and musical education from early ages that reinforce the neural pathways of emotional regulation. They aren’t extra activities: they are part of daily life in the classroom.

Frequently asked questions

Are the terrible twos normal or should I take my child to a psychologist?

The terrible twos are completely normal and part of typical development. Between 18 months and 3 years, almost all children go through this stage. Only consult a specialist if tantrums routinely last more than 25 minutes, if there are frequent self-harm incidents, or if there is absolutely no way to console them. In most cases, what your child needs is time and a calm adult by their side.

Should I ignore my child when they have a tantrum?

Completely ignoring a tantrum can work with older children who already have regulation tools, but with a two-year-old, emotional abandonment during a crisis generates more anxiety. The most effective approach is to be present in silence, without fueling the scene, but without withdrawing your proximity. Your calm presence is what teaches them that the emotion is manageable.

How long do tantrums normally last?

A typical tantrum lasts between 2 and 15 minutes. If your child has episodes that routinely exceed 20-25 minutes, it’s worth mentioning to the pediatrician. The duration also depends on the trigger: tiredness and hunger often cause longer crises because the child starts from an already compromised state of regulation.

Do tantrums go away on their own over time?

The intensity and frequency decrease as the prefrontal cortex matures and the child expands their vocabulary. But they don’t go away on their own if there isn’t an adult accompanying them in the process. Children who learn that their emotion is valid and that they have tools to manage it leave explosive tantrums behind sooner than those who are systematically punished or ignored.

Key takeaways

The terrible twos are the visible expression of a brain under full construction. Your child isn’t defying you: they are overwhelmed by emotions they don’t yet know how to handle. Every time you get down, name what they feel, and wait by their side, you are building the foundations of their emotional intelligence for a lifetime.

If you want to see how we apply this respectful guidance in the daily life of our classrooms, book a personalized school visit. You’ll see up close how a prepared Montessori environment reduces frustrations and enhances the real autonomy of each child.